do not help this (or any other) chathole!

Early this morning I noticed my friend, Chris's facebook status was an alarming message that he needed help "noww"! Before I could even ask what was up, I got a chat message from "Chris".

While I was chatting with this jerk posing as my friend, I was calling London Metro Police, Stockholm Polis, and alerting Facebook. I also called my friend to let him know what was up -- but these hackers wait until your friend ought to be asleep so they could have several hours to their advantage.

After over an hour chatting up the imposter and dealing with the police, it was advised to do all I could to shut him down. I posted an alert on Chris's profile:

THIS IS NOT CHRIS *****[last name removed for privacy]! This is a scammer trying to get you to send money. Do NOT give Chris ***** any money or personal information! (Probably good advice all the time, in regard to *****. haha) But seriously, someone hacked Chris's profile and is trying to defraud his friends.

and then the imposter removed me as Chris's friend's list to continue on his scam.

Below is the transcript of that chat. I am posting it here because I want all my friends to be on the alert for things like this. (Note to future assholes out there -- If you are going to impersonate one of my favorite comedy writers, learn to fucking spell!)

12:27 Chris

hi

can you please come online?

now

12:27 Me

I am

12:28 Chris

how are you donig?

12:28 Me

good enough. how are you? your status is alarming.

what's going on?

12:29 Chris

how are you donig?

i teavellwd to london last night

and i was mugged at a gun point

12:30 Me

cool. welcome across the pond!

12:30 Chris

all cash on me were stolen

12:30 Me

that sucks

did you go to the police?

12:31 Chris

investigation is going on

please i need your help now

12:32 Me

what can I do?

12:33 Chris

i need you to loan me some money to complete my flight ticket back home

i will pay you back as soon as i get back home tonight

12:34 Me

oh boy

12:34 Chris

please help me out

i will pay you back

i need to get back home

12:35 Me

how would I get you the money?

12:36 Chris

truogh western union

please

help me

12:36 Me

they have western union in london? I thought that was only in the STates?

12:37 Chris

they have it here at the hottel where i loddged

12:38 Me

like how much do you need?

12:38 Chris

$800

i will pay you as soon as i get back

12:39 Me

that's a bit of money.

12:39 Chris

i no

12:39 Me

honestly I don't know how much I have to spare.

12:40 Chris

i will pay you back as soon as i get back tonight

12:41 Me

if I do this you would HAVE to pay me back as soon as you get home.

12:41 Chris

yes i promise

just send me the money so that i can get out of here today

12:44 Chris

are you sending me the money?

12:44 Me

I am going to try.

I have to get dressed first.

where do I send it?

12:44 Chris

ok thank you

should i give you my information

12:44 Me

yeah

12:46 Me

?

tell me what to do, I have not sent money from western union before.

12:46 Chris

Chris ***** [last name removed in transcript for privacy]

94 Kentish Town Rd, London, NW5 2TG

you can even send it online

visit westernunion.com

Chris *****

94 Kentish Town Rd, London, NW5 2TG United Kingdom

did you got it?

12:47 Me

yes

12:48 Chris

are you on it?

12:48 Me

I will

12:48 Chris

ok

12:51 Me

I don't know if I can do all 800. Honestly, I don't know if I can afford it.

12:51 Chris

how much can you spare right now?

12:53 Chris

are you on the webpage

12:54 Me

no. I was going to go to the store to do it.

12:54 Chris

ok

12:56 Me

I'll get dressed and go down. Hang in there. I'll chat back with you when I get back and let you know it is on the way.

Sorry this happened to you, man. Really sucks.

12:56 Chris

ok

13:31 Chris

are you back?

13:32 Chris

?

13:41 Chris

are you there now?

????

13:45 Chris is offline.

13:46 Chris is online.

13:47 Chris is offline.

13:49 Chris is online.

13:49 Chris

please are you back ?

13:52 Chris is offline.

13:53 Chris is online.

14:05 Me

you there?

14:05 Chris

yes

14:06 Me

dude, they said there isn't a western union agent at that address you gave me. 94 Kentish Town Rd, London.

14:07 Chris

yes

that is the hottels address

you can send it online now please

the flight will take off in 30mit time

please help me

14:08 Me

you are not Chris *****.

that address is not valid according to western unon.

14:08 Chris

what do you mean?

no

14:08 Me

and even if there was a flight leaving in 30 minutes, you would never make it to the airport in time. and you could always take another one.

I am calling the police.

14:09 Chris

i did not understand you any more

14:09 Me

I will make it very simple.

If you are Chris *****, where did we work together?

14:10 Chris

breast cancer cure

please you have to help me

you are my only hope now

14:12 Me

wrong.

I have called the police and reported this profile.

14:13 Chris is offline.

Fortunately about a half hour after this last chat, the real Chris was back in control of his profile.

So, now, back to the search,

J™

fAArmville (not so) Anonymous; a 12-step program

THE TWELVE STEPS

STEP 1... I am powerless over crows, the weeds have become unmanageable.

STEP 2... Came to believe that only buying 100 bales of hay could get us the Pack Rat blue ribbon.

STEP 3... Made a decision to harvest all our fruit trees and animals at the same time every day.

STEP 4... Made a searching and greedy profitability chart of all trees, animals and crops.

STEP 5... Admitted to ourselves and our family that we must go to work, must shower, must eat and must sleep at least four hours a night.

STEP 6... Were entirely ready to pay extra coin to expand to Family Farm without buying the smaller expansion first.

STEP 7... Humbly waited for the *@€!&! rabbit to be ready to harvest. (And by “Humbly” we mean secretly hoped a rabbit harvest meant culling lucky rabbits' feet for sale at our souvenier/fruit stand.)

STEP 8... Made a list of all FarmVille fans not yet our neighbor and became willing to add these total strangers as friends.

STEP 9... Immediately took a photo of their farm, except when we have the Shutterbug ribbons complete.

STEP 10... Continued to adopt all the brown cows and black sheep and, when we had more than we had room for, sold off the less valuable jerseys and regular sheep.

STEP 11... Having built a fruit stand, barn, well, tool shed and workshop, we gave in and erected the phallic grain silo (but hid it behind the barn, so only the top sticks out) to get the Architect ribbon.

STEP 12... Having orchestrated the perfect daily planting & harvesting routine, we constantly click on neighbors’ farms in the hopes of raking leaves and, when bored, regularly rotated our farmer’s hairstyle.

Keep coming back. It works if you till it.


Putting down the hoe, and continuing the search,
J™

Ps. Everyone level 23 and above automatically has the coffee commitment!

J In Search of Meaning

If life is an endless search for meaning, then "jism" is what I am all about. [Since online etiquette says all caps equals shouting, I will keep my acronym lowercase... like radar, bundy, or wybmadiity.]

Obviously I expect I will have something to say, write or pontificate on, therefore this blahg is where I will toss it on you. My J-ism is free to use, with appropriate citation.

Whether you are home alone or enjoying jism in groups with friends, I hope you find this to be a salty-sweet, tissue-requiring experience. 'Cause that is how I have lived it.

Searching onward,

J™

jism, by definition

jism |ˈjizəm|

noun informal chiefly derogatory

• informal figurative [hopefully] very enjoyable or exciting : the ismic musings of J.

DERIVATIVES

jist |ˈjist| noun

ORIGIN late 70's decade: independent usage of -JISM.

-jism

suffix forming nouns:

1 denoting an action or its result : bapjism |exorjism.

     • denoting a state or quality : barbarjism.

2 denoting a system, principle, or ideological movement : Anglicajism | femijism | hedojism.

3 denoting a peculiarity in language : colloquialism | Canadiajism.

4 denoting a pathological condition : alcohojism.

ORIGIN from American mother -donna, father -doug, stepmother -renae, unwed-stepfather -del, via Swedish host mother and father -kristina & lars; INFLUENCES -siblings, -friends, -colleagues, -you.

SEE ALSO

orgasmic |ôrˈgazmik| adjective